You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone

 

The old saying goes, “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” Historically, this seems to imply some grave loss. A beloved grandmother passes away, and you don’t understand her leadership until it no longer exists. A failed relationship, because you weren’t wise enough to treat her/him right. A best friend gone because of a falling out. 

This last month, a coworker moved. He was a decent enough guy, but his work was subpar. Frequently I’d get stuck cleaning up his messes. It was exasperating at best. He cost me hours upon hours each month. I’m paid by the job, and he by the hour. He was an “expert” in his field, and talking to him to correct issues was met with excuses. 

The past couple weeks I’ve felt immense relief at work. I’ve taken on some of the worst, dirtiest cars and I’ve felt lighter and more engaged. It dawned on me yesterday that this newfound attitude was due to his prolonged absence. My work is straightforward. I’m no longer holding my breath when a vehicle is pulled in. 

I did not know what I had until it was gone.

Frequently, we don’t understand the weight of a life circumstance until we set it down. We carry the emotional weight of a terrible boss or coworker, a toxic family member or friend, and we wonder why, we’re exhausted and beat down. 

Set that suitcase of crap down. Ahhh. What a relief. Sometimes it’s not so immediate, but the further we get from the situation the better our view becomes. It’s sharper. More focused. Our shoulders begin to relax as the overbearing weight of our troubles releases from our muscle memory.

Toxic family members. Oof. A close friend hasn’t spoken to her mother in over a year. She wants to have a relationship with her. She, simply, cannot. In order to protect her own mental health and coupled with that, her physical health; she’s had to cut ties. She has children that also need protection from an unhealthy grandmother. In a perfect world, we’d all be mentally healthy, tell the truth and be kind and loving. 

Some people are incapable of that. No matter what you bring to the table, they are unable to match your effort. They will never, under any circumstances, be healthy enough to be safe to be around. 

For some of you, that’s incredibly difficult to read. Others are shaking your head in agreement and disbelief. 

You know you know, but you don’t want to know. 

Am I right?! 

I can’t tell you when enough is enough. I can tell you that when you’ve reached that point, there’s a beauty in the freedom of your mind. I have immense patience, and I’ll give a near infinite amount of chances—probably far too many to be healthy(working on that!)—but when I’m done, I’m done. There’s no going back. 

Some of you are shaking your head, you may view this as childish. It’s 100% self preservation. In order to survive, I’ve had to cut ties with multiple people in my life. Survive. Read that again. Life is more than survival. When you’re in a trauma situation, it usually isn’t more than that. You must survive. Your brain can only do that. To reiterate: I’ve had to cut ties with people in my life in order to survive. 

You see, no amount of chances or steering towards correction, is going to change their behavior. Instead, I change what I can control. Me. I remove myself from the equation. It’s that easy. 

Except it’s not. In that removal/severance/cutting of ties, there is loss. You will grieve the relationship—however toxic it was. It’s normal to feel sad. 

From that place of sadness and processing, you will notice that slowly you will see glimmers that remind you why you left in the first place. You see peace. You feel hope. 

You will also be reminded, usually through no fault of your own, that the relationship was ugly. It’s hard to go back and remember that icky-ness—but it’s critical. 

That reflection reminds you that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone: good, bad or ugly.